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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Things black people do when white people is not around.

1. Play Jeezy, or any other ignorant music as loud as possible.
2. Dance.  We love to dance. We like dancing alone, with someone, or even as a large group.
3. Sing.  This lady at my job asked me if I could sing, I said, I can hold a note.  That was a blatant lie. When I’m at home, I sing Marvin Gaye at the top of my lungs.
4. Watch Twerk Team videos.  [Obligatory nod to all the Black men in the audience today.]
5. Eat fried chicken. I don’t know why we keep hiding this stuff from white people, they be knowing; The Colonel and Popeye are both white.
6. Google incoming numbers we don’t have in our phone.
7. Go on Twitter, Facebook or Gchat and talk about our coworkers.  Unless you work with all Black people, you have to resort to these options on the low to get out your thoughts.
8. Talk about how racist white people are, and how they don’t get it.
9. Play Spades and Bid Whist.  As a shorty, I had two telephone books, and a death threat on my head if I reneged.
10. Beat their kids like Zab Judah, something I don’t agree with.  Also, Black parents have this thing called the Angry Whisper — it’s basically when your mother sends you death threats through her teeth.
11. Stare at white people’s butts – both men and women do this.  Either they’re small or their big, either way we’re just wondering how it works.
12. Argue.  We’re just a spirited bunch, we love each other.
13. Laugh.  My coworkers will never see me laugh, can’t let them ever think I enjoy working for the Man.
14. Locate, identify, but never alert the authorities.  Jamie: “There go the police.”  Tyreke: “WHERE?!”  Jamie: “You being mad obvious right now, don’t look.”
15. Talk funny. Trust me, that’s not our normal voice until we’re with our friends and the door is locked.
16. Throw away bills.  Sallie can kiss my black… moving right along.
17. Make personal phone calls on our work phone. And get mad when a colleague has the audacity to interrupt us with actual work.
18. Make up new code words and slang to use with our friends.  White people stole swag from us before we even got good at it.
19. Call their momma.
20. Put something unhealthy in our hair like pomade or a perm. I would like to say something about patting a weave or something, but according to sisters, “when your hair is itching, it’s itching, so we scratch whenever.”
21. Pretend like we’re playing a sport.  For example, balling up a piece of paper, tossing it in the trash, yelling, “KOBE!” and then walking back to your desk.
22. Heat up some food from home and try to avoid questions. “That smells good, what is it?”
23. Make a subtle fashion statement, like twisting our visor at McDonald’s.
24. Hook up our friends with stuff from work.
25. Snap jokes on each other. We tease each other a lot, it’s to develop thick skin.
26. Grease up the body with cocoa butter or shea butter and go to bed.
27. Talk about what we “gonna” do.
28. Tell stories with one word. For example, “How was last night?” is responded to by saying, “Bawse…” or “son…”
29. White person sent this one in: “When I’m hanging around my [friends who are Black] they talk about people’s sex lives a lot.”
30. We call things that aren’t official, official.  For example, “THE OFFICIAL WAKA FLOCKA CONCERT AFTERPARTY,”  even though Waka will not be there.

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